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Parents often find it difficult to deal with their kids' transition into adulthood. It can be a very trying time. The innocence of youth gives way to opinions - a lot of opinions. We are no longer their guide, pointing out the lines that aren't to be crossed. They have reached the stage in their lives where finding those lines is their responsibility and should they fail, they demand that right. But there is one line that even those with newly found independence must learn not to cross. That is the line that defines the rights of the parents.
In a frenzy to exert their independence, young adults often seem to "forget their place." But this isn't necessarily the case. More likely this is in response to the fact that their role has shifted, as has the role of parents. Let's face it, most young adults approach independence with all the grace of a Great Dane pup. It can be helpful to remember that we, too, struggled to find our footing gracefully. This new role is awkward, to say the least, and rarely accomplished without some over reaction by both parties. The most important thing for parents to remember is that this is a phase, just like the temper tantrums and the terrible-two's. The reason this one is harder to handle is because control is at issue. We are learning to relinquish control to the rightful (and I might add, more verbal) owner, and the child is learning to accept it without abusing it. The hope is that this emotional battle of wills comes to a natural, healthy end as the child gives way to the young adult he or she is destined to become.
When our young adult children exude their independence with disrespect and a lack of consideration for others in the family, this obviously cannot and should not be ignored. Disrespect is not a sign of their independence; rather, it is reverting to immature behavior that is still fairly fresh. They have not learned the delicate balancing act of diplomacy, and make no mistake, this is a learned process. Making excuses, however, for their bad behavior is not the way to help them find their footing. Parents should address their older teens with the same candor as they would any adult who confronts them in an inappropriate manner. If your son or daughter does not learn the unacceptable limits from you, they are sure to learn them in much harsher terms from others in society.
The hardest thing for parents to control can be the desire to engage in a verbal tug-of-war with young adults. As the seasoned adult, we must try very hard to be the voice of reason. Engaging in conversation is not only appropriate, it is the only means of getting to know each other on an adult level. However, when conversations become combative, this is where parents must insist upon mutual respect. Regardless of how insistent your son or daughter is, do not allow yourself to be drawn into banter which has nothing to offer. Try to keep the tone reasonable and respectful. If your efforts fail, simply refuse to engage in the conversation. It may take several walk-outs before they understand that you are not ignoring their opinions, rather, you are avoiding unproductive conversation that can lead to one or both parties taking offense.
Some house rules, such as curfew and bedtime, are altered as our kids get older. Once they reach their late teens, they may feel that rules no longer apply to them at all. Be careful to exercise the limitations you should be able to expect from anyone in your home, guest or family member, alike. If you prefer not to have others coming and going from the house at random hours during the night, set reasonable limits and stick to them. This is, after all, still your home. But be sure your standards truly are reasonable. For instance, if your son or daughter is working shifts with varying time schedules, maybe you should sit down and come to a conclusion that is workable for both of you. If, however, Johnny just wants to cruise around with his pals until he feels like crashing, you have every right to establish a house rule and Johnny will just have to deal with it. Intentional failure on his part to adhere to established house rules should be met with predetermined consequences. The key ingredient in this situation is being reasonable, and that goes for both parties.
It's very important to remember during this volatile transition is the relationship you will want with this person a year from now, two years from now, and so on. Allowing incidences to escalate can create tension that is difficult to overcome and can impact future relations. Sometimes, the wisest thing to do is simply walk away for a time, until cooler heads can prevail. In the years to come, these days of trial and error adjustments will become just another fragment of memories. Relationships change all the time. It is not the change that defines the outcome, it is how we handle that change.
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